As always, first the background.
My wife, Kathy and I really enjoy our camping time to the fullest. We have been campers since before we got married in 1986 and have graduated from tent camping, pop-up trailer camping to a twenty foot travel trailer. It is nothing real fancy, but it does have a shower, toilet, a/c and a queen sized bed. It is, in my opinion, what camping should be, at least at this point in my life.
One of our favorite spots is a state campground at Cowan Lake. We like it because it is in the woods and is quiet, pretty and shady most of the day. Cowan Lake is just a short ways from Wilmington, Ohio. You may have heard of the lake or Wilmington. Years ago it was the scene of national attention when the Wilmington police were involved in a shootout with the Keough brothers, who were wanted for killing a family of three near there. Several magazines were emptied during the close range exchange of gunfire, and no one was hit. Not even the Suburban.
They had been staying at Cowan Lake campgrounds for several weeks, hiding from police.
On this particular three day weekend, I got off of work around noon or so, Kathy had the camper mostly packed, and I helped finish it off, packed my few clothes and needs, hooked it to the Tahoe and off we went. Since I had worked twelve hours or so the night before, when we got set up at the campgrounds, I would usually go in the trailer and take a power nap for a couple of hours or so. This is the way we always did it, and still do.
Now for the story.
I have been asleep for only about forty five minutes or so, when I am awakened by the sound of a very loud exhaust system, or lack of exhaust system, I should say. I roll over and try for some more sleep, but the noise persists, so I get up and go outside. Our camping neighbors have arrived for the weekend. Their camper is one of those trailers grafted onto the back of a Chevy van. You know, the kind with a bunk over the cab, and lots of camper behind. It was about 1986 vintage or so, and would not hold an idle without hitting the throttle every two and a half seconds or so. Oh, and did I mention that it didn't have an exhaust system?
Mrs. Green, we'll call her, who is the star of our show, is directing the placement of the camper, once it is separated from a flat bed trailer, carrying a very nice golf cart with a surrey type roof on it. I don't mean to be mean, but I will attempt to describe her as best I can, build her character so to speak, since she is our star. She is a rather short woman, five feet or so, and what I'd call "stocky". Not really overweight, just stocky. She is, I'd guess, about thirty five or so, has bleach blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail, is wearing a white tank top and tan cargo shorts, sandals and oh yes, has very large breasts. No, I mean very large breasts. They hurt MY back. I cannot begin to describe how large they are. Mr Green is rather tall, thin, with short red hair, going away on top. He is quiet so far and seems rather reserved. They have two children, a boy about nine, who we'll call Billy. He is best described as being (without being mean again) the boy who is last chosen for the dodge ball team. Who wants to pick a target for their team? The daughter is probably about thirteen, has an iPod on, and is, for good reason, trying to be invisible. Oh. and did I mention the size of those breasts? I turn to Kathy and say "This is not going to end well."
We take our reclining lounge chairs down by the fire ring, in the shade and settle in to watch the show. I also take my mp3 player and speakers. I am a music nut case. My taste is very eclectic. I enjoy rock, blues, jazz, country, old standards, oldies and even some heavy metal. My mp3 player is a 30 gig and has some 5500 different pieces on it. I love my music. I don't care for rap and oh yeah, disco.
The Greens start to unload their camper and set up. Out come, well wait a minute, let me describe this color. You know the lime green that preppy girls wear that goes so well with navy blue? It's like that only a little brighter, and almost fluorescent. Well, anyway, out come lime green table cloths, glasses, dishes. a champagne bucket, cooler, grill with lime green lid, folding chairs, lounge chairs, parsons tables, trash can, and oh yes, not one, but two eight foot tall, inflatable palm trees, with lime green fronds and in wooden colored planters. Mrs. Green blows them up with her incredible lungs. It is at once a sea of lime green. From one end of the camp to the other. Then comes the one quirk in the story I don't really understand. She brings out a six foot or so bright RED and brown inflatable lobster, which she also inflates. She leans it up against the camper by the door. The daughter is trying harder to be invisible. I turn to Kathy and say "This is not going to end well." A bottle comes out of the camper and goes into the lime green champagne bucket. We will learn later what this magical elixir is. Next out is the boom box. Sorry, it is not lime green. The first song out of the box is that song that Dudley Moore danced to, on the bed, in that movie with Goldie Hawn, I think by the Bee Gees? But the sound score does not go with the play so far. Did I mention I hate disco?
Well, the afternoon has progressed into early evening, hamburgers have been grilled, the bottle has been opened and enjoyed by Mrs. Green. Mr. Green has pulled his lounge chair down by the woods, he is reading a book, relaxing, Billy has found a younger friend from another campsite, and the daughter has become completely invisible. Out of the blue. (pardon the pun) Billy's new friend has done something to piss Mrs. Green off. Something involving a squirt gun, but I don't remember exactly what. She sends the youngster back to his home campsite with a verbal lashing containing some words I'm sure he didn't quite understand. Now Billy wants to try the invisibility thing. A half hour or so later, here comes Billy's friend with his mother, or vi ca versa. Some rather heated words are exchanged, Mrs. Green tries to explain herself, the other lady calms down some, Mrs. Green smooths things over some and invites the other lady to have a drink with her. We find out the magical elixir is not magical after all, it's Goldschlagger. I turn to Kathy and say "This is not going to end well."
The evening progresses into darkness, we have a nice campfire going, we have had our supper and some elixir of our own, things have quieted down in the disco department (although I still don't believe someone could own that much disco music), the Goldschlagger is totally gone, and I am trying to figure out what part that damn red lobster is going to play in this production. It is the red herring, so to speak. Things are quiet, it's about 10:30 or so and out the blue again, Mr. Green does something to piss Mrs. Green off. And I mean piss her off BAD! She has a burr in in her four buckle brassiere. She is some kind of mad. She proceeds to describe Mr. Green with the F word and every shortcoming he's ever had in his life. Over and over. Character flaws, physical flaws, career flaws and even some sexual flaws. Mr. Green sees fit to remind her of some of her flaws too. The flaw inventory continues until some other campers complain that it's way to late for this flaw listing and won't they please shut the F up and go to bed. Mr. Green realizes that he has made a very large mistake and goes out to his golf cart and tries to be invisible too. I turn to Kathy and well, you know.
Now it gets even better. Mrs. Green has decided she is going home and starts packing the camper. She is still describing Mr. Green's F word flaws while she is packing the camper. Only I have never seen anyone pack a camper quite like this before. She is standing about eight feet in front of the open door and throwing everything into the camper. And I mean throwing. There is lime green going in the door till hell won't have it. Some things come back out the door and they are thrown back in even harder. The palm trees won't fit, no matter how hard they are thrown. The decision is made to deflate them.
Oddly enough though, Mr. Park Ranger has become interested in this production and stopped by for a visit with Mr. Green. They are standing out by the golf cart having a discussion of some sort, while Mrs. Green is trying to deflate the palm trees. She has decided that sitting on them is the best solution. It's working rather well, and she has one in the camper and the second one is almost flat. About the time it's hurled into the camper door, up pulls a Clinton County Sheriff's deputy. He talks with Mr. Green for a few moments while Mrs. Green tackles the task of the air in the lobster. Oh yeah, you knew I'd get back to the lobster. Here' the part it played in the cast. Mrs. Green has decided it's best to deflate it with her breasts. She is on her knees with the poor lobster under her ample bosoms, bouncing on it with gusto, hind end in the air. Only thing is the poor lobster does not want to be deflated just yet. It's claws are flailing in the air up over her shoulders, as if waving for help, and about every third boob bounce it's tail is coming up between Mrs. Green's legs, smacking her on the ass. It's muttering a strange wheezing sound like a fart in a girdle with every bounce. I turn to Kathy and don't say anything. She has tears in her eyes and is laughing uncontrollably. She knew it would not end well. About this time her comes Mr. Sheriff's Deputy around the rear corner of the camper, lit flashlight in hand, about thigh high. It is shining like a stage spotlight through the dark. And with an accuracy that was not evident in the Keough Brothers gunfight, Mr. Deputy's beacon lands where else but on Mrs. Green's hind end. Dead on. You could tell he was startled at this scene by the way he put on the brakes and backed up about three steps. I don't think he's seen anything like this in his deputy career. Mrs. Green stumbles to her feet, leaves the poor lobster laying and walks back to the cruiser with the deputy, and I decide to take the dog for a walk and try to get a little closer, so I can hear the discussion. It doesn't work and after awhile I come back. Mrs. Green has gone to bed, Mr. Green is gone too, and when I get back Mr. Deputy is talking to Kathy. He asks her if there was any physical battery or anything like that, she says no, I said not that I saw either, except for that thing with the lobster. And I asked him very seriously what exactly went through his mind when he came around the corner with his flashlight on and saw what he saw. He just shook his head, laughed and took his flashlight and left, after thanking us for our help. We went to bed and when we got up in the morning, they were leaving.
And that's the story of disco camping with the Greens. I hope you found it amusing, and it doesn't put a bad taste in your mouth for camping. If there's anything you can think of that I've left out, please email me or at least tell me in your comments.